I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
this is how life feels
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.