Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
You Might Also Like
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.