Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
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“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.