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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
The Struggle
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*