* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.