If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.