ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
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I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work