First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
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People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.