Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?