[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
🤣🤣💀
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.