Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
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I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I’m confused about plants
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.