Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
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i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.