self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name