My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
broke down and did it
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion