“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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I get distracted pretty eas
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
it is time once again
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
FINE, I WON’T.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret