[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
uncle dave has been through hell
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.