If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
What about second breakfast?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”