Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
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her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist