Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.