Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
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my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you