“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Favourite diary entry ever
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Choose your fighter
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.