I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
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My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
North and South
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety