sigh
You Might Also Like
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!