8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
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Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.