I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Baller is short for ballerina
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”