Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in