I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
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Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.