contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
this has done me in for some reason
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger