I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.