i could never be president. im overqualified.
You Might Also Like
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk