Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
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You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.