Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits