We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
o shit
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Had a spot of bother earlier.