My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
The “baby” on the left….
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
The real reason evolution started..😂
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?