People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
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Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.