“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.