If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
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Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
they finally got him. they got macavity
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I’m ready for Halloween this year
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”