Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard