Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
You Might Also Like
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
finally found a reasonable question
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Anyone want a chair?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.