My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually