1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
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[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard