Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter