damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Don’t forget to tip your server
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.