writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
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Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.