On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
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Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Isn’t
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.