LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]