what if we kissed on the garfield couch
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
The Compass
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.