When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
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Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?