me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
and now we wait
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Hey I worked for it too!
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.