I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
A French press is when you hug naked
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.